Screenplay ~~- The Baby-Making War

Levi & Simeon Con Neck Men Into Getting Cut

Lies
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2533 Characters =~2.5Min. Reading Time
EXT. JACOB'S TENT - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Jacob smashes his spyglass.

JACOB
(screams)
AAaaAGGGGGHHHHHH!


EXT. FIELD - DAY

Jacob's sons startle from milking cows, hearing their Dad scream.
They sprint to Jacob.


EXT. JACOB'S TENT - DAY

Jacob and his sons, furious, don their war gear.
They ride out, weapons brandished, shouting a war cry.
Leah and Rachel ride behind them.

RACHEL
Levi! Simeon! Don't do anything stupid!


EXT. PLAIN - DAY

Donkey-Man and his son Prince Shechem, riding donkeys, meet Jacob's war-party in the field.

JACOB
Your pedophile son raped my virgin daughter!

DONKEY-MAN
Name your bride price! Up to half my donkeys!

Jacob's sons boil over in rage, screaming:

LEVI
Shechem wrought folly in Israel by sleeping with Jacob's daughter!

SIMEON
This crime ought never to be done!

DONKEY-MAN
(cries)
My son Shechem loves your daughter with all his soul.

PRINCE SHECHEM
I beg you, sell me Dinah as my wife!

LEAH
Never!

DONKEY-MAN
Intermarry with us.

PRINCE SHECHEM
Give your daughters to us.

DONKEY-MAN
Take our beautiful daughters as your wives.

LEAH
(to Simeon & Levi)
Kill them now!

DONKEY-MAN
(to Jacob)
You'll dwell with us. [We'll open] our land for you [to use for free]! Live and trade here. Get rich on our land!

PRINCE SHECHEM
(begs Jacob and Dinah's brothers)
Let me find grace in your eyes. Whatever you shall ask of me [as a bride-price], I will give.

SIMEON
Your blood on my sword! That's my sister's bride price!

PRINCE SHECHEM
You can't ask too much as a dowry and gift!

REUBEN
We don't need your donkey money!

PRINCE SHECHEM
I'll give whatever you ask of me; just give me the girl [Dinah] as my wife!

LEVI
The right time to ask the father for her hand is before you bed her!

JUDAH
We can't ever give our sister to an uncircumcised husband - that would be a reproach to our God.

SIMEON
But we'll consent to sell our sister to your prince ...

LEVI
What?

Judah WINKS at Levi.

JUDAH
(to Donkey-Man)
If you'll have your penises trimmed like us.

SIMEON
(smiles)
Yes. If every male among you gets circumcised, then we'll give our daughters to you. And we'll take your daughters to [be our wives].

REUBEN
We'll dwell with you.

DAN
We'll become one people.

Judah winks at Levi.

LEVI
But if you won't listen to us, and let us fix your penises, then we'll take our girlโ€”
(with Simeon)
โ€”and we'll be gone!

Donkey-Man and his son Shechem look puzzled.