Screenplay ~~- The Baby-Making War

Esau, With 400 soldiers, Intercepts Jacob

War
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Chapter Synopsis:
The Red-man appears to attack, but instead hugs and kisses Jacob. Jacob's family bows to the Red-Man.


3486 Characters =~3.5Min. Reading Time
Jacob gets down on his knees:

JACOB
(palms to sky)
Yahweh, I beg you for mercy!

Jacob lifts up his eyes.
He looks across the morning desert.
Terrified, he sees Esau marching toward him with 400 fighting men!
So Jacob divides his children between Leah, Rachel and the two handmaids:

Jacob shows favoritism by putting:
-- the handmaids and their children on the front line,

-- then [fatty] Leah and her [chubby children in the middle,

-- finally gorgeous Rachel and her handsome little son Joseph WAY at the back, where they'll be safest.

3 Jacob ventures out toward Esau's army, walking in front of [his wives and children.

TIME-LAPSE: Jacob bows himself to the ground 7 times, each time coming closer to his killer brother Esau.

Esau runs to meet Jacob.

Jacob prays and grimaces, bracing for the blow of Esau's huge sword on his neck.

But to Jacob's shock, Esau embraces Jacob. Esau falls on Jacob's neck, and kisses him. They both weep.

Esau's obnoxious slut-wives including Bashemath [Fragrance] and Aholibamah (Judith) walk up. They preen and paw all over their hairy stud.
(These are the kind of girls you don't bring home to Mama. You can see why they've made life miserable for Isaac and Rebekah - they're drugged-out, greedy sluts.)

Esau lifts up his eyes. He sees Jacob's women and the children.

ESAU
(to Jacob)
Who are those people with you?

JACOB
The children Elohim has graciously given your servant.

The handmaidens shyly walk closer, holding their children...
They bow themselves before Esau.

Next, ample Leah and her ample children approach Esau. They bow themselves.

Finally, cute little Joseph and gorgeous Rachel approach Esau. They bow their bodies to the ground before Easu's staggering red hairy magnificence.

ESAU
I just encountered a huge drove of your animals. What did you mean by sending them to me?

JACOB
The animals are gifts I sent, hoping they would buy me grace in your sight, my lord.

ESAU
(laughs)
I have enough wealth, my brother; keep what you have for yourself!

JACOB
No, I beg you, if at last I've found grace in your sight, then receive my present from my hand. Just seeing your face - it's like I've seen the face of Elohim, now hat you receive me!

ESAU
No.

JACOB
I pray that you accept my blessing that my servants brought to you, because Elohim has dealt graciously with me. I have plenty of animals.
(bows)
Please...

Finally Esau nods to his slaves to take Jacob's huge herd of valuable animals.

ESAU
Letโ€™s break camp and get going. Iโ€™ll go in front to show you the way to my home.

JACOB
You, my lord know that my children are tender, like my flocks and herds with young. If my men overdrive them for even one day, the whole flock will die.

ESAU
(points to his sluts)
I've got replacements...

JACOB
My lord, I pray that you pass over the desert in front of me, your servant. I'll lead on slowly, as fast as the cattle who go before me and [my] children are able to endureโ€”
(lying)
โ€”until I come to you, my lord in the rough country of Seir.

ESAU
OK, but let me leave with you some soldiers of mine, to protect you.

Jacob looks over the hilariously rough and criminal looking battalion of mercenaries and slave-soldiers.
Then Jacob looks at his daughters, concubines, Leah, and finally Rachel, who's shaking her head, โ€œNo WAY!โ€

JACOB
There's no need. Just let me find forgiveness in your sight, my lord.