Screenplay ~~- The Baby-Making War

Leah Buys Jacob's Stud-Rights For Mandrakes

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EXT. SYRIAN HIGHLAND PLATEAU - DAY

Time passes.

One day, Reuben ventures into the fields during wheat harvest-time...
He finds phallic-looking, man-shaped, mandrake plants in the field.

He brings them home to his mother Leah.

REUBEN
Mom, these roots can fix Dad's 'problem'...

Rachel pops in:

RACHEL
(to Leah)
Please give me some of your son's mandrake roots.

LEAH
(barks at Rachel)
Isnโ€™t it enough that you've seized my husband?! Do you have to take my sonโ€™s boom-boom-drugs too?"

RACHEL
O.K. I'll let Jacob breed you tonight ... IF you give me your son's love-plants.

Leah breaks off a bit of mandrake, throws the rest in Rachel's face.


Time passes...

That evening, Leah watches Jacob straggle out of the field.

Leah runs out to meet him:

LEAH
(yells)
You gotta breed me!

Jacob runs back into the field...

LEAH
(chases Jacob)
I paid your stud-fee with my son's aphrodisiac mandrakes!

Leah lunges for Jacob, whoosh..... she tackles him by the feet!

HOURS LATER:


INT. LEAH'S TENT - NIGHT

Leah brews up a pot of impotence-relieving Mandrake tea...

She spoon-feeds it to the bruised-headed Jacob...

And whoosh! Jacob's boffin' like Superman on Leah.

In Jacob's acid-trip imagination, Leah's tent explodes in golden light.


INT. LEAH'S TENT - DAY (9 MONTHS LATER)

Leah bears Jacob her 5th [natural] son.

SCORECARD: Leah 7, Rachel 2.

LEAH
(shouts]
Elohim gave me the compensation of having a baby, to keep me from giving my slave-girl to my husband any more.

LEAH
I name you โ€œIssacharโ€, (my reward).

LEAH
(whisper to baby)
Yahweh saw how it hurt me so bad to see my husband fall in love with that [trashy] slave-girl.

Leah glares at Zilpah. Zilpah runs for the door.

LEAH
(to baby)
So Yahweh gave me the consolation of being able to have children again, so I wouldn't be tempted to make my husband commit adultery again just to compete with my sister in a baby-breeding contest.


EXT. WATERFALL - DAY

Leah swims underwater, grabs Jacob's shorts, pulls them off!

From above: gold glow fills the water.

9 MONTHS LATER:


EXT. MARKET - DAY

Leah, fully clothed, drops out a baby into her hand!

SCORECARD: Leah 8, Rachel 2.

LEAH
(shouts)
Elohim has granted me a priceless gift!

LEAH
(hysterical)
At last, my cheating husband will leave my sister and live with me, because I've birthed him 6 sons!

RACHEL (O.S.)
I hate you!

LEAH
(to baby)
I name you โ€œZebulunโ€ (Living Together In Honor).