Access to current version restricted. 2547 Characters =~2.5Min. Reading Time EXT. SYRIAN HIGHLAND PLATEAU - DAY
One day, Reuben ventures into the fields during wheat harvest-time...
He finds phallic-looking, man-shaped, mandrake plants in the field.
He brings them home to his mother Leah.
REUBEN Mom, these roots can fix Dad's 'problem'...
Rachel pops in:
RACHEL (to Leah) Please give me some of your son's mandrake roots.
LEAH (barks at Rachel) Isn’t it enough that you've seized my husband?! Do you have to take my son’s boom-boom-drugs too?"
RACHEL O.K. I'll let Jacob breed you tonight ... IF you give me your son's love-plants.
Leah breaks off a bit of mandrake, throws the rest in Rachel's face.
That evening, Leah watches Jacob straggle out of the field.
Leah runs out to meet him:
LEAH (yells) You gotta breed me!
Jacob runs back into the field...
LEAH (chases Jacob) I paid your stud-fee with my son's aphrodisiac mandrakes!
Leah lunges for Jacob, whoosh..... she tackles him by the feet!
INT. LEAH'S TENT - NIGHT
Leah brews up a pot of impotence-relieving Mandrake tea...
She spoon-feeds it to the bruised-headed Jacob...
And whoosh! Jacob's boffin' like Superman on Leah.
In Jacob's acid-trip imagination, Leah's tent explodes in golden light.
INT. LEAH'S TENT - DAY (9 MONTHS LATER)
Leah bears Jacob her 5th [natural] son.
SCORECARD: Leah 7, Rachel 2.
LEAH (shouts] Elohim gave me the compensation of having a baby, to keep me from giving my slave-girl to my husband any more.
LEAH I name you “Issachar”, (my reward).
LEAH (whisper to baby) Yahweh saw how it hurt me so bad to see my husband fall in love with that [trashy] slave-girl.
Leah glares at Zilpah. Zilpah runs for the door.
LEAH (to baby) So Yahweh gave me the consolation of being able to have children again, so I wouldn't be tempted to make my husband commit adultery again just to compete with my sister in a baby-breeding contest.
EXT. WATERFALL - DAY
Leah swims underwater, grabs Jacob's shorts, pulls them off!
From above: gold glow fills the water.
9 MONTHS LATER:
EXT. MARKET - DAY
Leah, fully clothed, drops out a baby into her hand!
SCORECARD: Leah 8, Rachel 2.
LEAH (shouts) Elohim has granted me a priceless gift!
LEAH (hysterical) At last, my cheating husband will leave my sister and live with me, because I've birthed him 6 sons!
RACHEL (O.S.) I hate you!
LEAH (to baby) I name you “Zebulun” (Living Together In Honor).