Luke 9: Feeding the 5000
Luke 9:11 The crowds got wind of Jesus' miracles and followed him, (bunch of freeloaders).
But being the nice guy he was, Jesus welcomed them and spoke to them about the Kingdom of God, (which went right over their heads), and healed those who carried Major Medical Insurance, (the others he just stabilized).
Luke 9:12 Late in the afternoon the Twelve Muchachos came to him and said, "Send the crowd away to the surrounding villages and countryside to find food and lodging, because we're stuck out here in East BumFart where there ain't squat to eat."
Luke 9:13 Jesus replied, "YOU give them something to eat."
The disciples answered, "What do we look like, Burger King?
We have only 5 loaves and 2 fish, unless we go buy bread for all this crowd, which we can't, duh, since you told us to quit our jobs and follow you! We're broke!"
(About 5 thousand men were there, and none of them had brushed their teeth or used deodorant in their entire life, and they'd just poop and pee any old place, so the place smelled like butt.)
But Jesus said to his disciples, "Have them sit down in groups of about 50 each.'
9:15 Peter said, "Simon says Sit down," and they all sat down.
Peter said, "Put your finger in your nose" and about half of them did.
Peter said, "I didn't say Simon Says."
Luke 9:16 Jesus grabbed the five loaves and the two fish and looked up to heaven, and said, "What am I, the cook?"
A voice thundered down from Heaven, "Looks that way".
Jesus said, "Thanks alot."
Jesus broke the bread and handed it to the disciples, saying "I cooked, you serve."
They looked at him like he was nuts, and said "You just broke it, you didn't cook anything."
Jesus said, "Just pass out the grub. Geez."
By some unknown breach of the laws of physics, everytime somebody wolfed down a fish, another fish appeared in the basket. Same trick with the bread.
So all ate and were satisfied, except Judas, who complained about everything. "It's not bad, fish just makes me gassy, and I'm trying to go off carb's."
The disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces left over.
Bubba, the 13th disciple said, "'Dassa Lotta Fish, figurin' there was only 5 loves and 2 fish to start with."
"Duh", said Peter. "It's a miracle. We ain't followin' this guy around for the hot nights with the ladies."