Genesis 3 (The Blame Game)
Snake said, "Yo --- lady! Did God really say, 'Don't eat from ANY tree'?"
Gen. 3:2 The woman said, "Yo snake-eyes, we can eat whatever we want, just not the animals or that middle tree, or a bolt of lightning's gonna fry our ---."
Gen. 3:4 Serpent said, "Silly lady, you ain't gonna die. God knows you gonna eat that sweet thang and POP your eyes'll get wide! The doors of perception will fly open and you'll be like God, on a first-name-basis with Good and Evil. And they throw great parties!"
And the woman looked over at that forbidden apple and her mouth started watering like Homer thinking of doughnuts; it looked so shiny and delicious and, heck, it WAS "smart food", so Eve jumped up and plucked it off the tree and munched away.
Adam walked up and said, "Hey piggy, save some for me."
Eve held the apple in her mouth while Adam ate off the other side, like two lovers sucking spaghetti.
Adam and Eve tried to eat the core and the seeds got stuck in their teeth.
The devil said, "Ha- fooled you."
Then Adam and Eve had a rush of realization, and said, "ACK!! We got no clothes on!"
Adam said, "Woman, drive the leopard down to wal-mart and buy us some fig-leaves."
She said, "Wal Mart's several Eons away, it'll take me forever to get there, I'll just sew them myself."
Adam said, "I'll help- I'm a sensitive man."
And Eve tied the fig leaf on herself.
Right in the middle of the 2nd hour of hot steamy jungle monkey passion, Eve let out a juicy fart, 28 seconds long.
Eve said, "No, honey, it was that snake!"
Adam said, "Wow, I'm glad... No smell like that ought to ever come out of a woman..."
Just then Adam's stomach started to go sour.
He held his stomach and ran into the bushes, squirting greenish goo-farts with every bounce of his feet.
Gen. 3:8 Then Adam and Eve heard God walking through the garden, whistling a happy tune and singing in his finest Al Jolson voice, "What a wonderful Earth!"
Adam and Eve ran and hid behind a bush.
God said, "Adam and Eve, Peekaboo, where are you?"
Of course, God knew exactly where Adam and Eve were.
He was just messin' with them, like any Dad does with his kids.
Then God sniffed the air.
God said, "Whoa, Adam! What's that smell?! Did you let the gorillas into the avocado patch again?"
Adam said, "Yeah, it was the gorillas."
God said, "Wow, that is just WRONG! ...
Hey, it smells kinda fruity... waaaait a minute!
That smells like the farts of the fruit of the tree of good and evil! "
Adam said, "Oh ---."
God said, "Alright Adam, get out here and tell me why you're hiding from me... like I don't already know..."
Adam said, "I heard you, and I was chicken because my --- was hangin' out; so I hid."
Gen. 3:11 God said, "Fool, Who said you was naked? 'Ju scarf on the fruit I said not to eat?"
Adam said, "Yo God, it wasn't my fault, it's this----- you gave me. She made me do it."
God said, "Ho', Wha ju' do?"
Eve said, "Snake tricked me with a magic spell- the devil made me do it."
God said, "Snake, get.
You're #1 on my bad list.
Crawl on your belly.
Eat dust till you die, when Eve's kid's stomps on your head.
Serves you right."
Snake said, "At least give me some defense."
God said, "Alright you get fangs, and if you can bite a man's heel before he squishes your little snake head, then you can eat the man."
And the serpent said, "Fair enough, can't argue with that. 'Preciate it."
And God said, "Woman, you gonna KNOW pain and evil now, cause you gonna have to squeeze kids out."
And Eve said, "I can handle it."
And God said, "You gonna be screamin for a epidural!
Imagine pulling your top lip over your head.
And what's more, you're gonna desire that man, and he's gonna make you his----."
She said, "I can take care of myself. I don't need no man!"
God said, "Yeah, but he's bigger, and he's gonna knock you on the head and drag you back to his cave and go stone-age on your butt.
Women's lib's a fiction."
Eve said, "Well what about Adam?
If he's the big leader he should get the punishment, not me!"
God said, "He'll get his, don't you worry.
Adam, the world of Evil isn't all cushy like this Garden.
The ground is hard and dry, thorny and thistley.
You gonna bust your butt just to get fed 'til you die a miserable death.
You'd think you jokers could do the one thing I told you.
You had to learn the hard way.
You already KNEW Good, sheesh- you were on a first-name basis with ... ME!
But you had to get all cozy with Evil too...
Now you're gonna be tempted to roast you some animal meat, but I want you to eat the plants of the field.
By the sweat of your brow you'll eat your grub until you return to the ground you were taken from:
Dust you are and to dust you will return."
Gen. 3:20 Adam named his wife Eve, the mother of all peoples.
God made clothes of skin for them and put the clothes on them.
Gen. 3:22 God said to his inner circle, "The man's become like one of us, knowing good and evil.
I hate to punish him, but he can't be near that tree of eternal life, or he'd reach out and grab that fruit too, and live forever with all that evil inside him; that'll be hell for everybody."
Gen. 3:23 So God booted Adam out of the Garden of Eden, and stationed Angels and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to keep Adam and his pesky kids away from the tree of life.